I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize