Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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