I'm pants shitting drunk right now
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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