alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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