I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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