On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize