you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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