Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
