he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
as a side note pls kill me
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
