Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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