Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
