My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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