How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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