life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I lost the right to judge tonight
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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