I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She's the barista slut.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
