Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
