if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You're like the curious george of whores
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize