Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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