Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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