Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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