Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
