There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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