Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
