after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
