my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
