let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
