At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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