ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
