I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
