I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
