if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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