he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
