the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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