I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
