Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
