i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
