I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
