Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I am available for nakedness
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
