I intend to get homeless drunk
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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