someone threw a dead crab at me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Alive.
So much puke
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
