I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
