he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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