There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
