i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
