I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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