I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
