The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
