do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
