I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
