the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
