Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
