Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
