my phone needs a breathalizer
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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