Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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