Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
