i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
