The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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